No Pain Like Labor Pain

I've never tasted the first drop of alcohol. If I'm going back to class next Wednesday, I may need a drink.

Tonight's prebirth class was excruciating. Anna and I both were physically nauseous. We talked forceps, vacuums and malpresentations. And those were the bearable topics. I dare not discuss others.

The class lasts from 7 to 9. The minute from 7:50 to 7:51 was the land before time. At one point I swear I saw Littlefoot and Sarah walking through in search of the valley of the ancestors.

At 8:20 I threw up slightly in the back of my mouth. At 8:35, I was on the ropes Mike Tyson style. Remember when Mike Tyson endured such a beating from Evander Holyfield that all he could think to do was bite a chunk of Holyfield's ear off to make it stop? At 8:35, I would have bitten my own ear off for relief--Van Gogh style.

At 8:42 my water broke. The cup of water I was holding, amid a particularly gruesome description of mounting contractual pain, came too close to my shaking leg and nearly leapt out of my hand. Anna laughed at me.

I stop somewhere short of saying tonight changed everything I thought I knew about having a baby. All the good things, perhaps. I do have a new respect for mothers, though. They should have their own holiday or something. I hope our little boy knows exactly what his parents endured just at the thought of having him, but not for a very, very long time.

And now, the obligatory quotes of the evening, this time from our substitute nurse teacher:

"If you've never experienced hemorrhoids before, you're going to experience some fantastic ones during labor."
-pretty self-explanatory

"It's kind of unbelievable that you can do that at a traffic light."
-on Kegels exercises

"It's amazing where they make the incision now, so if you get your body back afterwards and you want to go and pose for Playboy, you could."
-on the location of C-section incisions, which I suppose would be the only reason not to pose for Playboy