Thursday, May 29, 2008

Pumps and Circumcision

So Anna punched me in the mouth during baby class last night. Claims it was an accident, but you know Anna.

Otherwise not much of note happened. We practiced swaddling and changing the diaper of a plastic child. I chose a black plastic boy named Diana. Turns out changing diapers is a piece of cake as long as there's not, well, a piece of cake in there once you open it.

Also learned that as long as you support the neck and butt of a baby, you won't drop it. Like father, like son I suppose. A few interesting quotes this time around:

"If you have people who want to offer to clean your house for you or cook your food or you—let them. Take them up on it. Let them do whatever they'll do."

-teacher, on post partum activities

"If she comes in and starts rubbing your fundus, that's normal."

-teacher, on something called "fundal massage"

And now, having officially graduated having a baby class, we'll venture (hopefully) into more pleasant subjects.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Laughing at Children

Went shopping tonight and ended up laughing at kids--twice.

A little girl walking into the furniture store as Anna and I left, a little girl no taller than her dad's belt, writhed and wiggled her leg as only a person in such a predicament might. Just before we would be out of sight and mind, the little girl looked up at her daddy.

"I'm trying to get my panties unstuck from my...booty" she said.

Her dad, Anna and I being the only three people in the parking lot besides the child and a distant mother, began laughing.

"Not exactly the kind of thing you announce across a parking lot," said her dad.

A store or two later, a girl barely older nearly turned somersaults at the sight of a new, bright pink daybed she wanted her mother to buy.

"Now this is going to have to last you until college," the mom said.

Maybe you had to be there for that one. Anyway, bringing a child into this world is going to be some kind of fun. Seeing what he does once he gets here may be even better.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Wedding Bells

So Anna and I went to a wedding this weekend in Hartsville. The couple--friends of Anna's from college who've become my friends in recent years also--had a wonderful weekend and once we get the technical stuff worked out, we'll post a picture or two.

Now it's probably not the manliest venture to admit what I'm about to, somewhere akin to saying you enjoy your feet rubbed or like to play with dolls, but weddings always get me thinking. As I listen to wedding vows these two years since Anna and I exchanged ours, I pay attention to the words and the often Biblical truth guiding them. Then I think--again, not the manliest part coming up here--about whether those words spoken would apply to my relationship with my wife. I think of our vows, and whether I'm living up to them.

So why am I typing these thoughts on a blog about the baby? Well, someone told me once that the best gift a father can give his child is to show the child his or her mother is loved. I hope to give that gift, to show this little boy's mommy I love her.

Ok, so a few funny moments from the wedding:

1) I made up a quotation that can't be repeated, either verbally or electronically.
2) Anna and I both learned a new term--perhaps my new favorite--for flatulence.
3) I considered how many years should pass before I make fun of my son for having been a bridesmaid/wearing a bridesmaid dress in a wedding. Holden and my dad being the world's oldest ring bearers doesn't seem so bad now.
4) The bride and groom un-pimped their ride big time somewhere during the reception. They showed up to the weddingfest in a stretch Hummer limo. They left in my Chrysler Seabring. Having listened to the essential Lionel Richie all the way from Florence, I had more than ample tunage for the occasion, but even Lionel can't turn a Seabring into a Hummer.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

No Pain Like Labor Pain

I've never tasted the first drop of alcohol. If I'm going back to class next Wednesday, I may need a drink.

Tonight's prebirth class was excruciating. Anna and I both were physically nauseous. We talked forceps, vacuums and malpresentations. And those were the bearable topics. I dare not discuss others.

The class lasts from 7 to 9. The minute from 7:50 to 7:51 was the land before time. At one point I swear I saw Littlefoot and Sarah walking through in search of the valley of the ancestors.

At 8:20 I threw up slightly in the back of my mouth. At 8:35, I was on the ropes Mike Tyson style. Remember when Mike Tyson endured such a beating from Evander Holyfield that all he could think to do was bite a chunk of Holyfield's ear off to make it stop? At 8:35, I would have bitten my own ear off for relief--Van Gogh style.

At 8:42 my water broke. The cup of water I was holding, amid a particularly gruesome description of mounting contractual pain, came too close to my shaking leg and nearly leapt out of my hand. Anna laughed at me.

I stop somewhere short of saying tonight changed everything I thought I knew about having a baby. All the good things, perhaps. I do have a new respect for mothers, though. They should have their own holiday or something. I hope our little boy knows exactly what his parents endured just at the thought of having him, but not for a very, very long time.

And now, the obligatory quotes of the evening, this time from our substitute nurse teacher:

"If you've never experienced hemorrhoids before, you're going to experience some fantastic ones during labor."
-pretty self-explanatory

"It's kind of unbelievable that you can do that at a traffic light."
-on Kegels exercises

"It's amazing where they make the incision now, so if you get your body back afterwards and you want to go and pose for Playboy, you could."
-on the location of C-section incisions, which I suppose would be the only reason not to pose for Playboy

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

She Said What?

So, the statement of the night from round two of our childbirthing classes, as directly quoted from the instructor:

(Age appropriate warning: Some viewers may find the following comment inappropriate given maturity level (David and Holden)).

"Well, all I can really say is, it just sort of smells like sex."

For anyone still curious, was she talking about:

A) The hospital room at CMC Pineville
B) Broken water
C) A newborn child
D) The jacuzzi in each maternity room